After spending some time with men and women around these parts, I amconvinced that the primary cause of unhappiness in marriages is this:
The vast majority of married women are married to men who are less attractive, (or to whom they are less attracted) than the men they used to sleep with.
There are two real causes here.
There is a large glut of unattractive men in today’s society. They exist because (1) they’ve been specifically taught and lied to over the past couple of generations about what is and is not attractive; and (2) most have little to no incentive to be anything else. These men have been taught specifically that being nice, supplicating, pedestalizing and obsequious are attractive to women, and that women love men who have these traits. They’ve been told that their own looks, physical appearances and physical conditioning don’t matter at
all to women. And men get even more demoralized and disincentivized when they discover that being those things doesn’t work, and everyone around them has been flat out lying to them.
Going back a little further, there are a lot of reasons for this. Women (and some men) complained about boys and young men being sexually assertive, i.e. seeing a girl he likes and going after her. This is what we used to call “normal sexual behavior”.
A boy sees a girl he likes and runs his best game on her. This is now decried as abusive, deceptive, fraudulent and manipulative. Or a boy sees a girl he likes and perhaps pinches her derriere in high school, or sneaks a kiss. The alarms sound, because this is sexual
violence. He’s a sexual harasser, a rapist in the making.
Or a college guy takes a girl to a party where she enjoys herself a bit too much, and she ends up back at his dorm room, throwing caution (and her clothes) to the wind. This is “date rape”, it’s “male sexual entitlement”, it’s dangerous. We cannot have girls actually, you know, having buzzed or drunk sex with guys they, um, LIKED enough to say “yes” to a date with.
The truth is a little different, of course. The boy who struts up and puffs out his chest is displaying in the hopes he’ll be selected. The boy who pinches or kisses is trying to show some dominance and get noticed, as is his natural bent. It’s in his blood to find a girl he likes and try to get on her radar screen. And, the college girl who gets out of control with a guy she likes is doing what she wants to do anyway.
Going back even further, women (and some men) understood that nice, kind, polite, “good” men were the best bets for young girls who might not be so good at picking out the best fits long term for themselves. So, daddies and mommies told their princesses to go for the really nice young men, because they were the best “husband” bets. They told their sons to get the “nice” girls by being “nice” themselves.
Fast forward, back to today. The “nice” men were trained by parents and grandparents for a mating and pairing system that hasn’t existed for decades. They’re being told that if they do anything, anything at all, that even HINTS at sexual misconduct, their lives are OVER. They will be charged as sex offenders, with lifetime registry, the whole bit. They’ll lose their jobs. They’ll lose social connections. They’ll suffer ostracism, poverty, financial and social ruination.
Yet at the very same time, these very selfsame men are being derided as spineless pussies, wimps, and unmotivated, incentiveless sacs of plasma who couldn’t assert their way out of wet paper bags.
To a great extent, they’re 100% correct. These men exist because the vast majority of women created them. YOU created the spineless pussies who can’t step to a woman and ask her out, because YOU demanded that they never ever ever talk to a woman for fear of sexual harassment accusations. These men exist because YOU threaten to have them frogmarched out of schools and jobs. These men exist because you told them that nice, kind, supplication and pedestalization are “attractive”. They exist because YOU TOLD THEM TO BE THIS WAY. They exist because YOU told them that this is attractive.
Most women are increasingly unable to be attracted to men who those women can actually lock down for marriage. The reason for this is well known. They are spending their younger years having sex with the most attractive men they can find. They’re not doing so for the purpose of locking one down for marriage, but specifically for fun and
enjoyment. (Remember: If a woman wants marriage, she can get that. Might not be the best guy; but she CAN get married.)
Most women are not virgins when they walk down the aisle. Even using the conservative CDC figures, the typical woman in the United States marrying today has had 3 or 4 prior sex partners. Somewhere in there is a “serious boyfriend” she was really attracted to and whom she really cared about. There’s probably also at least one “in between guy”, a very attractive man she decided to have sex with on a lark and a whim. The opportunity was there to bed down with a really hawt guy, so she took it.
The primary reason she isn’t with any of those prior men is because she couldn’t get, or didn’t want, commitment from any of them. So, when she finally decides to get serious about marriage, she has to continue looking downmarket until she gets to a man who puts
commitment on the table. Most of the time, the man who offers her commitment is not as attractive as the men she had sex with before him. And she is less able to work up attraction for that man. She has real time, real world experience with other, more objectively attractive men she can remember, usually through quite vivid memories. She cannot help but compare and contrast him with her past memories of more attractive men. This recollection, comparison and contrast almost always leads to the woman (now wife) feeling disappointment, disillusionment, frustration, and ultimate unhappiness.
The true reason is almost never identified. That true reason is almost always (1) she isn’t as attracted to her husband as she was to the prior men (by far and away the most common reason); or (2) she was attracted to him but the attraction has been lost because of his conduct, her conduct or both; or (3) she was never attracted to him in the first place. She feels shortchanged and cheated, because she “settled” for less than what she wanted. This isn’t fair, because she feels she HAD to settle. It was either this “less than” guy, or nobody. It’s this mediocre, “meh”, “best I could do at the time” guy, or a lifetime of spinsterhood.
I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means
A related and contributory issue is that most women conceal, or are simply confused about, what they find “attractive”. For men, the word “attractive” means sexual desirability – an “attractive” woman is a woman he wants to fuck.
For women the word “attractive” can connote a myriad of things, and usually means a man she would like to just “be” with or really, really like. For women, sexual desirability is one of the things going into the cocktail of “attractive”, but most women never admit this out loud. To a woman, “attractive” men are sexually desirable AND intelligent AND wealthy AND kind AND handsome AND righteous AND like kids AND have a sense of humor AND well-traveled AND any number of other things. So when a woman says a particular man is “attractive”, she could mean any one or more of those things. She will almost always downplay the importance of her sexual attraction to him, because to give it primacy would make her look shallow and slutty. It IS important to her, but she will never verbally ADMIT that it is, even to herself.
And so though the powers that be and the Cathedral will never admit it, this is why we have the marriage problems we have. We are a nation of unattractive men because most of those men have no chance even with the average women who would be their assortive
mating/pairing counterparts. Those unattractive men have scant incentive to improve themselves for a nation of women who don’t want them and employers who don’t need them. And we are also a nation of women who have casual-sexed themselves out of their own markets. They’ve damaged themselves to the point that they are unwilling and unable to forge long term bonds with the men who will have them.
This is why we have the marriage and divorce problems we have – because of too many unattractive men, too many women having sex with men they can’t marry or don’t want to marry; women who marry men they aren’t attracted to; and too many women with unrealistic and unreasonable expectations.