Belated Strengthening

There is a strength that a man is required to have if he has any hope of leading the life he should.  Some of us are fortunate enough to develop this strength in childhood.  Sunshine Mary:

 I was at a carnival a number of years ago that had this enormous inflatable slide – the thing was like two stories tall, no kidding. A boy of about eight had gone up and was then too scared to slide down. His mom and auntie were trying to coax him down while the rest of us waited; a couple of minutes later, his dad walked up and yelled, “What the hell is your problem? Quit being such a little girl! Slide down the damn slide.” And the kid did.

And I bet the kid liked it.

Undoubtedly, that’s not the first time his dad did that sort of thing, nor was it the last.  Childhood can be scary, and sometimes every kid wants protection.  However, boys have to learn to confront their fears in ways that girls don’t, and a father coaching his son in how to confront such fears trains him in how to do so himself.  Some boys require constant prodding, others get it right away, but it has to be done for every boy.

After all, it’s men who charge into burning buildings to save grandma, men who have to go downstairs to see what made that bump in the night, and men who fight and die in our wars (watch how quickly that “women in combat” rule changes once we find out what happens to the prom queen in the POW camp).  Women find men who can do this appealing.  No matter how feminist her politics, she’s going to hide behind her boyfriend when the mugger jumps out in front of them, and she’ll loose all respect for him if he runs away without protecting her.

Unfortunately, millions of men in our society have not been properly trained to fight our fears instead of succumb to them.  His own desire to come down from the slide was amplified by his mom and aunt.  Without a father there to oppose both them and the scared voice in his own head, he may have walked down instead of slid.  His fear would have evaporated in the loving arms of his mother, instead of shame he would have been comforted for giving in to his fear.  He would have sensed that something was wrong, very wrong, but hugs and sympathy can do a lot to make that feeling seem to go away.

But some very decent and noble instincts in a woman tells her that this is exactly what she should do.  Sunshine Mary:

I have to confess: I was still kind of feminist-y at the time, and I tut-tutted about the way the man had spoken to his son. I thought it was terrible that he had shamed his frightened son like that. I thought he should have gone up the slide himself and helped his boy down.

Women’s instincts in such matters are fairly destructive to the formation of healthy masculinity, I now suspect.

Don’t just “suspect”, know.  A woman’s protective maternal instincts are entirely appropriate for infants, and they can even work for older children regarding grizzly bears and child molesters, but she wants to keep him safe at all costs.

But he’s not safe, he’s expendable.  If he doesn’t earn his way in the world, he won’t make it.  Little Charlie is going to have to punch back against some bully in the playground.  At some point he’ll have to tell a crappy boss to go to hell.  His girlfriend’s going to get groped in a bar some night.  Do you want him to be able to stand up for his beliefs even if he might be mercilessly mocked afterwards?  A mother’s loving arms can’t protect him from a home intruder.  If he’s afraid to talk to women, he may not even breed,

Whether it’s for his own good as he pursues his own dreams or for the good of those he loves, on offense or defense, he’s got to be able to fight.  Without a father, he may well learn, but as frightened as the eight year-old may be on top of that slide, the twenty-three year old who never sucked it up and slid down may well have it worse.

Unfortunately, I know this first hand.  I was raised by a single mother, and not the crack-whore kind, either.  She loved me and did what she thought was right, but when I was five and Larry yelled “Get outta here!” whenever I went to play with all the other kids, she let me go back to her and told me it was okay.  When I was afraid to climb over the top of this weird circular play thing at the playground (I wasn’t afraid to climb the ladder, just to go over the top part), the female pre-school instructor followed behind me and was very encouraging, but she let me have my way when I refused to climb over the top.  When a bully bothered me in fifth grade, my mother’s advice was to back down because it wasn’t worth getting hurt over (I salvaged some of my pride on this last point by beating the crap out of him in seventh grade, but still).

Some boys will learn this without their fathers help.  Mostly, they’ll grow into barbarians, for instead of dad shaming them for not sliding down the waterslide, they’ll be shamed into stealing a bottle of vodka from the corner store by the local gang.

Alphas who are also decent human beings aren’t born, they’re trained.

I’ve come a long way, but my lack of training has cost me years I’ll never get back.  I’ve missed countless opportunities, sucked up innumerable humiliations, not only because nobody taught me how to face my fears when I was a child, I was taught instead that it’s okay to back down when it’s time to fight.

“[C]onfrontation is the hallmark of the alpha male…even when he doesn’t seek it out…he does not hesitate to embrace it if it comes his way.”  Finally, I’m confrontational on a regular basis, not because I want to be, but because I don’t back down when I know I shouldn’t.  I tell my boss directly and immediately when I think he’s making a mistake (he’s pretty competent, so this isn’t very often).  When my lefty co-worker spouts some nonsense, I tell her why she’s wrong, and she backs down every time.  After the Trayvon Martin incident, in the break area a black guy (former Marine, great guy, HUGE), was spouting the party line and I called him on it.  I could tell he was surprised (isn’t telling big burly black men that they’re wrong about politics both unsafe and racist?), but I didn’t care if he called me racist, I didn’t care if he thought I was racist, I didn’t care if everybody else thought I was racist, and I didn’t care if he lodged a formal complaint.  He was spreading lies and somebody needed to call him on it.

Oddly enough, he seems to respect me despite my supposed racism.

I still have my weak moments, and the confrontations I’ve been having are ones without a particularly large stake.  However, just like sliding down the water slide at eight years old trains you to charge the machine gun nest at twenty-two, saying something politically incorrect to confront a lie at work is good training for telling some congressman where to stick it on national TV.

But I know I’ve still got a lot of training ahead of me, and I’ve got to accelerate things.  I backed down right before getting to the really controversial part of my paternity idea, and although I didn’t admit it to myself when I started, the reason I wrote this post instead of what I really wanted to write is that I’m about to confront somebody I respect who’s been very supportive so far here in the Manosphere.

In his case, I’m not going for the throat, but I’ve got to call him out just like I called out that guy in the breakroom.  I can’t do it every time, but I can’t play it safe any more.  Some things are just too damn important.

And before you know it, I’ll be stabbing some folks in the throat (with words, don’t be a dumbass).

I don’t have anybody to help me down the slide, but I’m going anyway.  In life and on the blog, no more holding back.

This entry was posted in Alpha, Family, Feminism, Politics, Race. Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to Belated Strengthening

  1. donalgraeme says:

    I don’t really have much to add, other than that this is a good post. Confession might be good for one’s soul, but confrontation is necessary for one’s character.

  2. Jeremy says:

    I would like to say, the female instincts here are not wholly wrong, they’re just grossly mis-applied. It is not wrong for a mother to want to comfort her children and protect them. However, it is horribly disfiguring to the future mental state of your boy if you coddle him. It would be as if a father took a knife to the face of his daughter, and helped pick at the scabs to increase the scarring. That really isn’t such a bad analogy, when you think about it. Coddled boys become bluest-pilled BETA males, they are NOT ATTRACTIVE to the women they want. When you try to keep your boy safe from his fears, you are destroying his future attractiveness, utterly destroying it.

    • M3 says:

      “Coddled boys become bluest-pilled BETA males, they are NOT ATTRACTIVE to the women they want.”

      This. This was my fate. My mother made a habit of coddling me after failures, telling me quit the hard things and focus on other ventures less stressful. She would (and still does to this day) tell me to relax, take it easy, not train so hard. When i tell her im sore from a really gruelling work out, she tells me i shouldn’t work out so hard, take a break, relax, not try to hard, ill injure myself… yada yada yada.

      I just have to end up telling her ‘if i listen to you, i’d never look the way i do. Like Chris (my brother). I’m where i am now because i worked hard for it, not by relaxing..’

      She nods and agrees.

      I wish i knew of the manosphere long before my brother died. I’d have had a lot more time to spend with him as an equal rather than a blue pill zombie he probably pitied.

      • Thank goodness both my parents took a “No whining” attitude. If there was ever a problem, it was, “Stop whinging. What are you going to DO?”
        As for the working out, feeling sore or worn out means YOU DID SOMETHING. It’s great to hike a mountain and have sore legs for a day. Good for you for keeping on it. I’ve a Korean colleague who’s been on a dieting and exercise plan; sometimes she talks about how tired she is after a workout. I always tell her, “Good! That’s how it’s supposed to feel. FIGHTING!” And she smiles and says, “Yes.”

    • Martel says:

      Maternal instincts undoubtedly have their place, but they need to be balanced by paternal ones. Sometimes kids need protection, and left entirely to their own devices some of them will seriously injure themselves.

      Fathers understand that their sons are going to have to be fighters. As a man, he’s never had anybody buy him a drink or offer to change his tire for him. Women simpoy have no idea what it’s like to be male and what’s required of us.

      Women have no idea how the men they find attractive got to be that way, to them it’s almost like they sprung like that from the head of Zeus. Like you say, too much maternity makes a man unattractive much the same way that advice from female friends regarding women is the worst advice to take.

      • Jeremy says:

        Maternal instincts undoubtedly have their place, but they need to be balanced by paternal ones.

        ^^ That’s one sentence I wanted to throw in my comment, but didn’t. That’s exactly what I’m trying to say. Society tries to tell us that mothers know best, always. But the truth is radically different. Moms just don’t know best, they just don’t. In fact no single parent knows best, they can’t possibly. Children need to see a contrast between the masculine and feminine, and they need to see it from two different role models.

  3. M3 says:

    “Unfortunately, millions of men in our society have not been properly trained to fight our fears instead of succumb to them.”

    My father took a hands off, do nothing approach and left the raising of me to my mother. She coddled, overprotected, and constantly made sure that i, being the youngest.. the baby of the family.. and just after having lost my sister in childbirth 2 years prior, was going to be over protected to hell.

    This is the single greatest factor i had to overcome and no doubt played a huge role in my beta supplicating and overly feminized behavior in my early life. I got all the over protection my brother never got. He got to cross the street, i had to be reminded constantly to look both ways.

    A lot of damage was done to me, out of the best intentions by my mom who wanted nothing but the best for me. I don’t hold her responsible. Twas a bad case of wrong place / wrong time.

    But im doing much better now!

    • Martel says:

      And your obvious recovery is quite evident.

      But I’m sure we’d all agree that it’s painful as hell to overcome, and I would have rather gotten it out of the way as a ten year-old than as an adult. The reflexive desire to avoid conflict that over-protected boys develop takes time to overcome.

    • That exactly how the ‘Greatest’ Generation raised the Baby Boomers after being spooked from fighting WWII for master and wanting to serve at work for the empire and being zombies at home. Such good fodder for the M-I C, they were.

      • Martel says:

        The GI Generation did amazing things in that war, but by coddling their kids too much they undid a lot of that good. They could have nipped the 60’s in the bud no problem. “You hate money? Fine I won’t give you any for school.”

        Bill Ayers’ dad was a prime example of this. He was a rich executive who raised a spoiled brat that used his daddy’s money to tear down the very society that made his comfy existence possible.

  4. earl says:

    Second on confession…it allowed me to get over my biggest fears and it was the hardest fight to do.

    I combine that with consistent prayer, work, and working out. You to break down yourself and face fears to build yourself back up.

    Protection is a fine way to avoid life threatening dangers too…but sometimes a fight is better.

  5. Kate says:

    So Martel, what do you think the answer is for someone like you or someone on the slide. As the mom of school aged children,from what I’ve noticed over the years, if dad chooses not to come along to the metaphorical carnival no such lesson will take place.

    The flip side of the slide example is that you have a kid that has no real concern for physical safety or fears even dad will be saying “Get the hell off the counters, etc.” , and be in a protective mode. I frankly wouldn’t be surprised to see one of my sons and his friends attempting to get up on the roof one of these days.

    I don’t agree that every mom out there is looking to coddle or protect. Most of the sports programs aimed at elementary aged kids that my son has attended wouldn’t be in existence if there weren’t moms out there willing to do the work of getting the kids there. I’m not saying that some dads aren’t involved, but typically, women are more likely to be the ones involved in the kids’ activities.

    When my son first indicated he wanted to sign up for a tackle football program,, I had mixed feelings about it(and still do). I’ve kept them to myself because I know it is something he really wants to do. When we he started my husband was involved in some other things and couldn’t take him to the initial practices. I had no idea how to even help him put him on the equipment right, It was all completely foreign to me. I helped him the best that I could, and we still didn’t exactly know what we were doing. Thankfully another dad told us what to do. I thought to myself during that time, what if every day of our life was like that, and I was attempting to raise my son by myself. I would do the best I could, but it wouldn’t be the same as having two parents.

    • Martel says:

      “The flip side of the slide example is that you have a kid that has no real concern for physical safety or fears even dad will be saying “Get the hell off the counters, etc.” , and be in a protective mode”

      Correct. Part of the father’s role is to help his son overcome his fears, but if he’s got a fearless son he doesn’t need to do that. In such a case, it will be more important to direct his son’s natural boldness towards something more constructive.

      “As the mom of school aged children,from what I’ve noticed over the years, if dad chooses not to come along to the metaphorical carnival no such lesson will take place. […] I’m not saying that some dads aren’t involved, but typically, women are more likely to be the ones involved in the kids’ activities. “

      Part of the reason for men opting out of this sort of thing is our collective tendency to de-value masculinity in general and fatherhood more specifically. Imagine the reaction that an upper-middle class version of the dad at the slide would be at a similar even full of beta males and harpy wives. He would be excoriated.

      Of course, he shouldn’t care and should go and do what he wants with his anyway, but very few men are alphas. Most are in-between somewhere, and they’ve been convinced that women are better at raising kids anyway so it’s probably best to just let them handle it.

      This is compounded by the effect I’ve written about here ( https://alphaisassumed.wordpress.com/2013/07/26/invasion-and-retreat/ ). Father/son events are largely frowned upon, and in a modern mixed gender setting the women will always take charge. Men are thus less inclined to come, and that gives women even more reason to consider themselves indispensable to everything their kids do.

      “I thought to myself during that time, what if every day of our life was like that, and I was attempting to raise my son by myself. I would do the best I could, but it wouldn’t be the same as having two parents.”

      Correct again, but not enough women think of it that way. God bless you for encouraging your son’s football regardless. He might get hurt, but if he isn’t able to follow those instincts it’s guaranteed he will.

  6. embracingourfemininity says:

    This is a great post Martel.
    This is why it is so important for a father to not be “girlified”, so that he can teach his son to be a real man. I think a woman will naturally want to protect/coddle a child, and while at times necessary it does need to be balanced with the strengthening from the father.
    If I have children, God willing, I’m sure this is something I will really need to work on, I will probably have a tendency to coddle. This is why it could potentially be disastrous on a child’s development to not have a father present. There are some lessons that can come only from a man.

    • Martel says:

      A mother coddling kids is actually a good thing if she’s got a man there to keep her in line; that’s how she’s supposed to be.

      Mom tells the kid “you’re the most special and wonderful little thing in the world” as Dad tells him “you ain’t squat unless you EARN it”. The two concepts of self merge into a healthy whole that can balance enjoyment of the moment with continual striving.

      One of the benefits of a husband for a mother is that she can afford to baby her kid a bit more because she knows it won’t ruin him–hubby will provide the masculine balance. As for me, if I ever produce offspring, my wife’s going to have to be a coddler. I’m ultra-aware of what I missed growing up, so I might have too much of a tendency to over-compensate (“He finally walked across the room on his own. Time for hapkido classes!”). A sweet and feminine mom will balance me out perfectly.

  7. I’m about to confront somebody I respect who’s been very supportive so far here in the Manosphere

    Dammit, man, I tried everything from “Red Sector A” to “2112” but I just can’t listen to Rush! Why u gotta h8?,

    • Martel says:

      You’ve tried so I’ll hold off, for now. But I recommend you listen to “Rush in Rio” (especially from the beginning until “Natural Science” and the end of the show starting with “Limelight”). This will give you the chance to hear them at their best, and if you like it you might win back my respect.

      • Rush In Rio? The one with the washers and dryers on stage, where Alex launched into his, uh, monologue leading into a kickass rendition of “Leave That Thing Alone”, and there was even a riff from “The Girl From Ipanema”?

        Nah, never saw that one. Or had a friend who was the world’s biggest Rush fan and made me sit through the DVD as soon as it was released.

  8. infowarrior1 says:

    http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com

    All you need to know about the dynamics of violence.

  9. Pingback: Lightning Round – 2013/08/14 | Free Northerner

  10. Aurini says:

    This is what I went through to a T.

    My mother was a saint – and my father really was an asshole – but without any male influence, I was destined to be a pussy. I constantly sought out masculine challenges – the football team, then the military – but the whole time I was forcibly boot-strapping myself into manhood, I was constantly behind the 8-Ball. My military career especially fills me with chagrin; I was a top-notch soldier, a marksman, hard working, uncomplaining, and switched on, but socially I was still awkward; I was still trying to overcome my feminist/pussified training. It doesn’t matter how good your skill-set is, if you’re social skills put others off. I was frequently passed over for promotions, handed over to those less qualified and less dedicated.

    Years of my life wasted, learning skills that every young man is supposed to be taught during their formative years.

    That’s why I write; to try and give this wisdom to the young kids nowadays.

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